Lana - Entry 13

Well, I wish I had more to report. Life on the road has gotten pretty boring. The sun rises and sets and I keep walking. Is this what life is now? I guess it is and the sooner I accept it the better. My legs are so tried. My muscles use to ache with soreness each time I got up to start walking again. That finally went away and I was thrilled that my body was getting tougher. But now my muscles are just tried. It feels like I have to put so much more effort into moving, uphill is the worst, even the smallest hill feels like a mountain and requires a battle of my will. I tell myself I’m not in a hurry, I just have to keep moving, take it easy. But at this rate I’ll make it to Mearview when I’m old and grey. Truly though I have no idea how far away it is and I should ask that next time I see someone.

I keep thinking of Sal. His piercing eyes and the way he made my stomach flip when he smiles at me. I wish I could have stayed with him. He was everything a man should be. He was strong and comfortable with the world around him. He was so smart and so handsome. Ah, if I could just see him again. I almost feel like he could help me. I know that’s silly but I can’t help thinking he’d know what to do. Although, I’m sure he’d think I’m insane and go running for the hills if I told him about my curse. Anyway, doesn’t really matter now, does it? Since, I will never see him again.  

Lana - Entry 12

It is such a beautiful night tonight. I’m resting now, its still early. I’ve taken to resting early in the evening and then moving along for a bit once the moon is high. Its nearly full, so when its overhead I can see just fine. I even have a shadow because the moon is so bright. Right now I’m just relaxing by my small fire. I’ve been watching the wispy, bright, orange flames lick the night sky while thinking of the things that have happened over the last few days.

I’ve met the strangest of men! To be completely forthright I’m not exactly sure he is all that strange. My knowledge and interactions with the opposite sex has been very limited. But something tells me he’s different and our encounter WAS strange. Here’s what happened….

It was a few days back and night had almost fallen. It was in the hour when the world is turning to grey and the shadows fell long across the road. That’s when I noticed him, his tall, lanky form stretched across the top of a fallen tree, his dark hair blending into the shadows. He seemed so at peace, I stopped and just watched him for a while. He was just staring up at the sky, his hands were resting on his stomach and I could see them rise and fall with each breath. I know I shouldn’t have been watching him. I know, I know. But there was something about him that was fascinating.

However, I did start to become afraid that he would see me watching him. I started walking again and tried to make some noise. He seemed to be caught totally by surprise. He jumped up, as if startled, paused for a moment and then with his grey eyes looked me up and down as if I was some unknown creature.

I felt I should say something, so I apologized for startling him.

“Who are you?”, those were his first worlds to me.

I told him my name was Lana. I’m not sure how to describe it but he seemed so perplexed by my being there, and even said so. He said, “You’re not suppose to be here.”

“Excuse me?” The tone of my response might have been sharper than I intended, but it was just such an odd thing to say.

He took a step closer to me; I remember those grey eyes of his staring at me. “I can’t see you.”

All of a sudden I felt like I needed to get out of there and I started to move away form him.

Instantly, his mood changed and he smiled at me. He was so handsome when he smiled. “I’m Saleter, but my friends call me Sal.” And like that we were friends. He started a fire and cooked dinner for us. He talked about philosophy and he pointed out the constellations. It was so nice to have someone to talk to. It made me feel like a person again and not just this lost, roaming soul I had become. And he was so charming; he kept touching me, nothing big, just a hand on the shoulder or making sure our fingers touched when he passed me bread. I wanted to stay with him forever, but the wind picked up and I realized I had been there too long. I told him I had to go. He didn’t even ask why, he just said that it had been nice to meet me. And like that I was gone and I will probably never see him again. Ah, that thought is so painful. I can’t believe I’ve lost him because of this stupid curse! New resolution, I must not just get uncursed but I must find out what did this to me and destroy it!

Lana - Entry 11

I came across a town; well it was really just a few small houses clustered together. There was a handful of people, some fat lazy cows and a few dogs milling around. The whole place seemed so peaceful and cozy. I caught myself imaging what it would be like to live there but quickly stopped myself, all I would bring these nice people is death and destruction. However, instead of avoiding the village and its people I held my head up high and marched right in, I needed to ask for directions.

Before I could approach anyone a young woman came up to me. She looked really concerned and asked if I needed help. I’m not sure why she looked so concerned; maybe they didn’t get a lot of people passing through. But feeling very pleased with the way the interaction was already going, I smiled broadly at her, nodded and told her that yes I did indeed need help. Then I asked her if she could point me in the direction of Mearview. Still looking concerned she pointed in a direction and said to follow the road. She said that all roads lead to Mearview as long as I took them in that direction. I thanked her for the information and headed out on my way.

I’m doing it, I’m putting myself out there and it feels great. I’m taking charge of my life and for the first time I’m responsible for my decisions and myself. I will admit that at first that realization was a little terrifying but now that I’m getting use to it I feel liberated! Here’s to my new liberated self!

Lana - Entry 10

Well, I’m still here. And I’ve decided I’m not going to go anywhere any time soon, so long as I can help it. Madeline gave her life to save mine; that’s just the fact of the matter, it is what it is and I can’t change that. But I wont let her sacrifice be in vain. I’m going to break this curse. I am going to live.

Over the last few days I’ve given my predicament a lot of thought. The only people I know that might be able to help me are the Malakai. Clearly not Pan (cowardice traitor that she is) but there must be others. And Eve, maybe she can help me. I am going to stop hiding, stop avoiding people, stop feeling sorry for myself and I am going to find someone who can help me. I know that Eve’s sister is in Meraview, so that’s where I’m going… just as soon as I can find out which direction its in. Along the way I’m going to ask everyone I come across about other Malakai, there must be others out there. It might not be the best plan but it’s the only one I have been able to come up with, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I took out the coin that Madeline had given me and for the first time I really looked at it. It looks like it is made of silver and its very thin. I’m sure I could bend it if I tried. It is very smooth with sharp edges. On one side there is a ‘U’ and inside it a circle with two parallel lines running through it. The markings are raised. I’ve started playing with it in my pocket as I’ve been walking, while running my thumb over them. I don’t know why but it gives me some comfort. On the other side of the coin the letters ‘LE’ seemed to be scratched onto it. Madeline must have done it for me, ‘Lana Entry’ the name my parents had given me. She was trying to find a way to fix me, which means she thought it could be done. So, I’m going to Meraview!

Lana - Entry 9

I almost died last night. Whatever it is that is hunting me showed up again. I’ve been so tired and I’ve tried so hard to keep moving but I’m just exhausted. I stopped for a moment, just to rest my muscles and catch my breath. All I had done was lean back against the trunk of an old large oak and I must have fallen asleep. I woke to the sound of branches breaking and I could feel the wind ripping at my hair. I’ve never felt the wind so violent before, like it was full of rage. The world around me felt angry and violent. It was so dark I couldn’t see my hands in front of my face. It was getting harder and harder to breath, like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the air. I remember stumbling to my knees and I started to half crawl, half run; it didn’t matter in what direction, I just had to get out of there. I could hear people screaming like they were in pain. I could hear what sounded like a woman wailing. I was so scared. Between the voices, and the wind and the darkness I felt engulfed by horror. But I just kept moving, I didn’t think it would save me but I had to keep moving anyway. Eventually the voices seemed to grow farther and father away and the wind lessened gradually to a breeze. But I didn’t stop, I kept moving. I walked for hours. I’ve stopped now but I’m afraid to close my eyes. What if I sleep for too long again? Next time I might not be able to get away.

I’m never going to make it. Truly, I’m as good as dead. I should just lie down and go to sleep. Let it come, its inevitable anyway, right? Madeline shouldn’t have given her life to save mine; I’m just going to die anyway. No one will miss me when I’m gone. That phrase makes me laugh. Of course no one will miss me when I’m gone, no one will even know that I’m gone. To the world the day I die will be the same as the day before and the same as the day that will come after. In fact, the only thing that knows or cares that I exist it what ever it is that is hunting me. Can you believe that? The one thing I’m trying to get away from is exactly what I’ve wanted to find - someone I matter to. In a way, if you think about it, its what I’ve been praying for all my life. I want to matter to someone. Oh, I almost can’t stop laughing. I should let it have me. Its what I’ve been asking for and lets face it, it’s going to happen anyway. Well, I’ll sit here for a bit. The world is quiet right now. I’ll sit here and just see what happens.

Lana - Entry 8

Not much has changed; I’m still roaming aimlessly. I nap whenever I find a comfortable enough spot, sometimes I’m sleeping under the bright sun and sometimes I’m under the stars. I’ve always been good at sleeping. I mean I’ve never had a problem falling asleep so the sun being out doesn’t bother me. Sometimes I just imagine I’m a lizard, basking in its warmth. I think I’m starting to get used to this, although all the walking is wearing me out.

I ran across a small town the other day. It wasn’t much, just a few small houses clustered together. I actually found it by following the sounds of children playing. There was a sweet, little old lady there who sold me a loaf of bread. When she went to hand me the bead she placed her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ok. I don’t know what came over me. I just burst into tears. I couldn’t stop them. I could feel them run down my cheeks, my chest became tight and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do so I turned away and ran, clutching her still warm loaf of bread.

If only Madeline had told me not to cross the circle. If only she had told me, none of this would be happening. Madeline would still be alive and complaining about my cooking. And Pan, what if Pan had been just a little braver, she should have stayed. I just know that together they could have come up with something. I miss my home and my bed. I miss having a place to be. The tears are coming again. I can’t help it, there’s no one to help me and I have no idea what to do. Why did I look at that stupid piece of paper? And what was Madeline doing with something that dangerous anyway? If only I had not been so nosey. I wish there was something I could do to make all this right again. There has to be something!

Lana - Entry 7

I’ve done nothing but walk and nap for days now. I’m so exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. When I left the house I packed a few things – change of clothes, some food and water, and of course my journal – and just started walking.

At first, I thought about going to find Pan. But then a realization hit me. Pan knew! That’s why she left in such a hurry, she knew! What an amazing coward! Pan knew Madeline and I were in trouble and she just left. Who does that? An awful person does that! A coward. A traitor! Someone too selfish to think about their friends. I can’t believe I ever looked up to her! It’s Pan’s fault Madeline is dead and I’m forced to walk through this world alone. I thought about finding her and then throwing away the coin so what ever it was would come and take both of us, but I don’t want to die. So, I guess I’m selfish too.

Why didn’t Madeline tell me what was going on? I never would have crossed that stupid circle. I’m so angry with her. She should have told me.

Now, I have no idea what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go. The only person I know, other than the coward Pan, is Eve. If only I could find her, she’d know what to do but I have no idea where she is.

I can’t believe looking at one single piece of paper has put me here. It’s not fair!

Lana - Entry 6

None of this makes any sense. I just don’t understand. I’m alone and I don’t have anyone anymore. Everyone is gone.

Madeline is dead.

It’s all my fault. She told me it was. I can’t breath. She CAN’T be gone! She just can’t. I don’t want to be all alone.

Madeline said I marked myself the night I looked at the parchment. She didn’t really explain, only that the night she and Pan were out and I snuck into her study and when I looked at that stupid piece of paper I marked myself.

I don’t even know what that means. How does me looking at a piece of paper mean that Madeline had to die? How is that fair? I just don’t get it. I asked her if it meant that the False Kings were after me now and she laughed. As the house sounded like it was being ripped apart and voices screamed all around us, she laughed. She said it wasn’t the False Kings. She practically rolled her eyes and shook her head saying that those men were like children. What was after me had no desires, no sense of greed. It was just pure evil. She actually said that word, ‘evil’.

How have I done this? I am no one. I am nothing. It doesn’t make any sense why anything would come after me. I practically don’t even exist. No one knows I’m alive, no one cares. My own mother didn’t want me. Madeline was all I had and I’ve killed her.

She was trying to keep me in the house to protect me. The night she had me make the wreath, she was hiding me in the house. It’s so stupid, if only I hadn’t broken the circle of horehound. I hadn’t meant to, I promise. I didn’t do it on purpose. I was trying so hard, for the first time in my life, to be what Madeline wanted me to be. I had only stepped out onto the porch to toss the dirty water I had been using to scrub the floor. I accidently kicked a glass Madeline must have left there and it went rolling. I remember just being relieved it didn’t break. I went after it without even thinking; should she have had to die for that?!

It rolled right over the line of horehound and stopped. All I did was reach for it but as soon as my fingers crossed the barrier the air around me seemed to inhale and then crack. The sun grew dim and watery. Madeline ran up from behind me and grabbed the back of my shirt pulling me into the house. The house started to moan, like something was slowly crushing it. That’s when Madeline told me I had marked myself, that she had been trying to keep me safe in the house. I could hear the roof groan and then be ripped off. Something was scraping at the walls from the outside and voices were screaming in pain all around us. I have never been so scared. I could taste it on the back of my throat as it tightened. We were both going to die.

Madeline ran over to the cabinet and pulled something out. When she came back she pressed a silver coin into my hand. She said if I kept it on me and never let go of it, that it would buy me some time. That what was hunting me would not know were I was for about 6 hours. So, I’d be safe as long as I kept moving. She closed my hand around it and then just walked straight out of the front door.

I heard her scream. I will never be able to get that sound out of my head. I will never be able to forget what so much pain sounds like. And then everything just stopped. The ripping, the crushing, the voices. Everything was silent. And I was alone.

I am alone. There is no one to help me. I don’t have anyone. And I have killed the only person who has ever cared for me.

Lana - Entry 5

Things have become strange since the last time I wrote. Madeline seems anxious and on edge all the time. She is startled at the drop of a pin. She has commanded me not to leave the house, and yes I mean commanded. She says it’s for my training but I’m not sure that I believe her. She seems scared. And her being scared frightens me. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and distracted but there’s not much to do when you’re confined to the house. I’ve scrubbed the floors, washed the windows, and dusted all the hard to reach places. I’ve even started putting more effort into my cooking; taking my time with it and really doing it right. Which means I’ve been eating more. If Madeline doesn’t lift my house arrest soon she won’t have to worry about me going outside because I won’t fit out the door!

As for my training, after that first night she had me help her with the wreath, my lessons have been slow going. Madeline has begun by going over different plants with me. She has taught me that catnip and peppermint will reduce a fever, birch bark would take away muscle and joint pain, ground ivy is used to treat fevers and coughs, and cowslips to induce calming. She’s having me keep a notebook and everything I learn I make meticulous note of and drew pictures of the leaves and roots and flowers. But I don’t really feel like any of this is training, more like she’s doing her part to keep me busy.

Here are my thoughts… Madeline and Pan were up to something, looking for a girl, a girl Pan hadn’t been able to find without Madeline. Then Pan left in a big hurry. So, either: 1) they were successful and they found out where the girl was somehow or 2) they did something wrong and are in trouble. If it is option number one maybe Pan left to go get her and Madeleine is just nervous. If it’s option number two and something went wrong that would explain why she seems scared. Only problem is that neither of then explains why I can’t leave the house! I’m really hoping its option number one but clearly I need to do some digging. I’ll let you know what I find out.

Lana - Entry 4

So, I know I said that now Pan was gone things would go back to being normal and boring. And they have…kind of. I still spend most of the day doing mind-numbing chores but something out of the ordinary has happened. Madeline has asked me to help her. Can you believe it?!!! Finally! I feel like she will start teaching me what it means to be Malakai.

Pan left the very day after I went into Madeline’s studio; thinking back to it she seemed to have left in a bit of a hurry. She was a little edgy and nervous. She grabbed an apple for breakfast and was out the door. Madeline went back to her study alone, all day, and then we ate dinner in silence.

I could tell she was really thinking about something, I mean REALLY thinking about something so I didn’t bother her. When I went to clean up and reached for her plate, she grabbed my wrist (I think I probably still have a bruise there) but she didn’t look at me. It’s the first time I’ve ever been afraid of her, actually afraid. I don’t know how to explain it but it felt like she was going to throw me out. I started to think about what I’d do all alone, without anywhere to go. And for the first time in my life I didn’t want to be anywhere but here, at home. But it was just for a moment, she took a deep breath and it was over. She looked at me and then said that I was going to start helping her. Everything was fine. Can you believe that? And she didn’t mean some time in the future, she meant right then, that evening.

She said we would start small. Madeline was always a fan of plants. She was constantly picking and drying them. She’d make them into teas or burn them around the house making the place smell nice. She said I should know the purpose of them. We went out and picked blackberry bramble (and no, I don’t mean the berries. I mean the prickly, painful branches, that’s what we brought back). For wanting this to be an educational experience she really didn’t explain anything or tell me what we were doing. But I didn’t ask. I was too excited that she was letting me help. When we got back to the house she told me to get the jar of horehound seeds from the shelf. We then scattered the seeds in a circle around the house, making sure to include the large, old Elm that grew and shaded our front yard. It was getting late and I was exhausted but Madeline sat down at the base of the Elm. She told me to sit in front of her and make a wreath out of the blackberry bramble. So that’s what I did. Hours must of passed while she sat with her back against the tree trunk with her eyes closed most of the time and me in front of her trying to make that silly wreath. My fingers are so sore! They have tiny little cuts all over them from the prickly branches. But I did it. I made the best-looking blackberry wreath I have ever seen! Ok fine, it’s the only blackberry wreath I have ever seen but it was beautiful. I wanted her to be proud of me and see how helpful I could be. But when I finished she just opened her eyes, nodded and said, “lets go hang that on the door.” Then we went to bed, and that was it.

It’s still there, hanging on the front door, looking dried and withered with its tiny little thorns probably still coated in little droplets of my blood, the mean thing.